What I love about shibari is not just being tied up: it’s the letting go… and especially the moment when he unties me.
We are not shibari experts. Far from it.
It all began almost out of curiosity, when we were living abroad and exploring BDSM together more deeply. Monsieur had watched a few tutorials online, tried to understand the movements, the knots, the way to place the ropes. Nothing very academic, nothing especially spectacular. Just the desire to try something new, the two of us.
I don’t think I really knew what to expect the first time.
I thought it would mainly be the ropes I would feel. Their touch on my skin. The restraint. The fact that I would no longer be able to move the way I wanted.
But I discovered something much more unsettling.
I love the moment when Monsieur starts setting the ties in place. There is no sudden shift. Everything happens gradually. One rope passes, then another. He adjusts, tightens slightly, checks. And as the ties settle into place, something changes in my head.
At first, I could still step in. Move. Decide.
Then, little by little, I simply stop wanting to.
I feel the ropes tightening against my skin, my movements becoming more limited, and my body no longer quite belonging to me in the same way. And yet, I don’t experience that as a loss. On the contrary.
It is exactly what I came looking for.
For a few moments, I can stop controlling.
I no longer have to choose what comes next. I no longer have to anticipate. I no longer have to lead. I can simply let myself be handled, moved, guided gently.
And I think that is where the full power of this practice lies for me.
Being at Monsieur’s mercy could seem like a huge loss of control. Yet what I love is precisely knowing that I chose to give him that control.
It is not something he takes from me.
It is something I entrust to him.
And that difference changes everything.
You have to trust the person holding the ropes. Trust in his movements, of course, but above all trust in his attention. Knowing that in the middle of this chosen vulnerability, he keeps observing my reactions. That he knows me well enough to feel when I am comfortable, when something becomes uncomfortable, when I need him to slow down.
It is strange how just a few meters of rope can sometimes make very visible something that already exists in a couple.
Trust.
Attention.
The ability to surrender to the other without disappearing yourself.
And yet, as pleasant as everything that comes before is, there is one moment I almost look forward to even more.
The one where Monsieur starts untying me.
The ropes that had gradually held me in place loosen one by one. My body regains its freedom, but it still keeps the memory of what has just happened.
My wrists are sensitive. Some muscles a little numb. My limbs slightly sore from staying in the same position.
And strangely, I love that sensation.
Not so much for the pain itself, but because it extends, for a few moments more, what we have just shared.
Then his hands come.
He gently passes his fingers over my wrists, massages the places that have been worked, warms my skin, relaxes my limbs.
And that is probably my favorite moment.
Because everything changes at that instant.
A few minutes earlier, I was voluntarily at his mercy. He was the one deciding my movements, tightening the ties, controlling the situation.
And suddenly, that same attention that was used to hold me becomes care.
Constraint becomes gentleness.
Control becomes attention.
And little by little, I regain the freedom of movement under his hands.
I think it is even this contrast that moves me the most.
Shibari made me understand that what I love is not, in the end, simply being tied up.
I love the path that leads me to let go.
I love feeling, gradually, that I no longer need to control what will happen.
I love being able to be vulnerable because I know with whom I am.
And above all, I love what comes after. That calm moment when there is no real game left, no role, no power struggle. Only two people very close to one another and the feeling of having shared something that words ultimately describe rather poorly.
We are still very much amateurs. Our experiences remain simple and we still have a great deal to discover.
But maybe that is what I like about it too.
I don’t need the ropes to become more complicated in order to feel more.
Because, deep down, what shibari says best about our couple is not the way Monsieur can tie me up.
It is the trust with which I let him do it.
And the gentleness with which, afterward, he gives me back my freedom.
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