“I’d like us to try it.”
A night at a club, a threesome, meeting another couple. Your partner brings up the idea and, perhaps, one question takes over. Why want something else if they enjoy what you share together?
You might feel curious, excited, jealous. Or all of these at once. Before you’ve even understood what they’re suggesting, you may find yourself comparing yourself with people you’ve never met.
So, are you no longer enough for them? Their suggestion alone can’t answer that. To understand, you need to look at what lies behind the word “swinging.”
What turns them on may not be what you imagine
Having sex with someone else, watching you flirt, discovering a group experience, stepping outside your usual routine. These desires can overlap, but they aren’t interchangeable.
In 2021, Jessica Wood and her colleagues analyzed responses from 540 people already in consensually non-monogamous relationships. The motivations reported included sexuality, autonomy, relationship connections, and exploration. So they weren’t simply about relationship problems. 1
This research covers several forms of consensual non-monogamy, beyond swinging. It invites us to listen to each person’s reasons without jumping to conclusions about their relationship.
To open up the conversation, try to pinpoint what’s appealing. A person? An atmosphere? The pleasure of flirting? An experience you could share? These answers already give you much more to work with than a simple “I feel like trying it.”
The same word can hide two different plans
Imagine you were both excited by the idea of a threesome. For one of you, the appeal would be sharing everything in the same room, while staying closely connected to your partner. The other imagines more freedom, with one-on-one moments with the third person.
You said yes to the same word. You haven’t yet talked about the same experience.
The same goes for a night at a club. One person might imagine discovering the atmosphere and flirting. The other may already be hoping for a sexual encounter. You can’t guess either of these plans from the mere fact that you’ve agreed to go out.
Asking “How do you picture the evening?” makes these differences visible. And the people you meet will also have their own desires and boundaries to express.
What if something really is missing?
You also need to be able to hear that answer. A difference in desire, a sexual activity you don’t share, a frustration you find difficult to talk about—these can all be part of the conversation.
In that case, it’s better to name the issue precisely. “I’d like to explore this activity” makes for a different conversation than “our sex life isn’t enough for me anymore,” a phrase that can sound like a judgment on the entire relationship.
A study by Murphy, Joel, and Muise followed 233 people for two months as they considered opening their relationship. Among those who actually opened it, the researchers observed an increase in sexual satisfaction, with no detected change in the quality of their relationship with their primary partner. 2
One useful distinction to take from this is that sexual satisfaction and the overall quality of a relationship are two different things. These results don’t let us promise what opening up will bring to your relationship.
Three questions to get to the heart of the desire
“What would you like to experience, specifically?”
Ask for a scenario that’s specific enough for you to picture what it would be like. Together or separately? A one-time exploration or an ongoing possibility? With people you already know? You don’t need to decide everything right away. First, you’re trying to understand each other.
“What are you hoping to get out of this experience?”
Novelty, the pleasure of being desired, a particular activity, more autonomy? Several answers can coexist. Don’t answer for your partner. And ask yourself the same question, because your own desire deserves as much attention as theirs.
“What would make me want to take part?”
This question makes room for your enthusiasm, your hesitations, and your possible refusal. You might want to experience the atmosphere of a club without wanting sexual contact with other people.
Another study, conducted among 112 people in consensually non-monogamous relationships, found an association between more freely chosen sexual motivations and greater sexual satisfaction. This is an association, not an individual guarantee. 3
For your conversation, this offers a starting point. Take the time to identify what you personally like about the idea, beyond wanting to please your partner.
You can start with the fantasy
Before looking for a date or a profile, each of you can write down what appeals to you, what needs discussion, and what’s off the table for now. Then compare your answers without immediately trying to make them match.
You might discover a desire you share. Or a scenario you enjoy mainly when you talk about it. A fantasy can stay just that, without becoming a plan to carry out on Saturday night.
And if you decide to explore, your agreements can remain specific and open to revision. Agreeing to go to a party doesn’t mean agreeing to every kind of contact. A hesitation in the moment deserves to be heard, even if you were enthusiastic the day before.
Before looking for someone to try this with, take the time to understand what you want to experience.
These conversations have a place on WishPride. You can share your questions and experiences, even while you’re still discovering what you want.
And you, what would be the first question you’d ask if your partner suggested trying it?
Sources
Wood et al., 2021. Motivations for Engaging in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Murphy, Joel, and Muise, published online in 2020, in the 2021 journal issue. A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship. Social Psychological and Personality Science.
Wood et al., 2021. A dyadic examination of self-determined sexual motives, need fulfillment, and relational outcomes among consensually non-monogamous partners. PLOS ONE.
#libertinage #desir #WishPride
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