Dorothée Fruteau — Writing Desire, Facing Love Head-On

"LOÏC" is first and foremost silence.

WishPride portrait interview

1. A meeting, and the urge to finally write

A message on Messenger, an invitation for tea, and a detail that already charms her. The man makes no spelling mistakes. In his romantic novel "LOÏC", attraction begins that way too, through words. Soon, the meetings grow farther apart and the phone stays silent. The pages, though, fill up.

Dorothée Fruteau is 55 and lives in the Paris region. After nearly thirty years in public administration, disability forced her to reinvent herself. Her desire to write, however, dates back to childhood. Yet she would have to wait until she was 54 and a sensual rendezvous came back into her life before she started the text she would publish under the name Adélaïde.

Her book retains the hesitations of someone living the story as she writes it. One day, she thanks this man for bringing her back to herself. A few pages later, she tries to figure out how to bear his absence. In it, she discovers herself more free in her pleasure, without finding the place in the relationship that she expects. This gap runs through our written exchange. How can a meeting that gives so much to the body leave so much lack behind? And what happens when words finally make it possible to look at both at once?

1. You worked in public administration for nearly thirty years before disability forced you to reinvent yourself. Then a sensual encounter arrived and, with it, writing. Looking back, what did that encounter awaken in you beyond the love story itself?

I felt this urgent need to write about this encounter, which at first was sensual. I can't really explain why, but I started writing as soon as I got back from our first date: that's how the book begins, I began telling that encounter.

It opened a Pandora's box: I knew that what I would find there would not necessarily be flattering or beautiful.

I've wanted to write for a long time, since I was 10, I think.

I couldn't do it because my life was so difficult that I never found the courage to tell it: it was already hard enough living it, I wasn't going to recount it on top of that!

Starting to write at 54 is much easier because, I dare hope, the worst is behind me.

I can never thank that person enough for giving me the desire to put on paper all my sensations, all my thoughts, all my emotions.

Finally! I sat down at a table!

Finally! I managed to write!

Reading LOÏC, the encounter does not only bring Dorothée back to writing. It reignites her appetite for reading, her love of thinking and sharing. She states it bluntly in the book: "I had lost myself. I found myself again." Yet the book to be published is not yet the project. Before future readers, there is a woman writing herself to herself.

2. LOÏC is written almost in the present tense, as you go through what you are living. At what point did you understand that these texts were no longer just messages or personal notes, but that they could become a book?

LOÏC was meant for my eyes only. It was like writing a diary: it has only one reader, you.

It was much later in writing this long text, which is not yet a novel, that I told myself it would make a lovely first novel.

I think it was around the 11th or 12th chapter, so almost at the end since the book only has 14 chapters.

2. What silences make you write

The "you" runs through almost every page. Dorothée explains in the book that it excites her, but also protects her. This continued address keeps the man present in the text, even in the moments when he is absent. The dates move forward, declarations return, decisions are made and then undone. The reader is not faced with a memory already filed away, but with a story that is still trying to understand what it is.

3. At one point in the book, you answer through your texts the questions that Loïc does not ask you. You also explain that writing helps you keep your emotions at a distance and express them more accurately than you do out loud. Was LOÏC born as much from his silences as from your need to understand what you were living through?

Your question is very well phrased and very accurate.

LOÏC is first and foremost silence.

It is all the words he does not say to me.

It is all the moments we do not live.

It is all the messages he never sent me.

It is all the dates that never happened.

It is all the weekends we never spent together.

LOÏC is first and foremost everything that is not. And everything I wished he were.

In that sense, writing saved me. It helped me ask myself the right questions so I would not go under.

Writing revealed the truth to me face-to-face; the truth I did not want to see:

that I would never have more than that.

The book bears his first name, but it is not written from his point of view. Dorothée makes that clear throughout the story: "This is not your story. This is not our story. It is my story." Loïc remains the one she addresses. It is her own experience that she ends up questioning.

3. Less frenzy, more pleasure

The woman trying to understand this relationship also tells of a happy discovery. At 55, she is not only talking about what love life has taught her to avoid. She is talking about what her body still allows her to discover.

4. You say something that people ultimately hear quite rarely: your libido calmed down with menopause, but your sexuality became more fulfilling after 50. How do you explain this paradox between less frenzy and more pleasure?

That's once again a very good question, and I thank you for asking it.

The sexual frenzy I experienced was very closely linked to the bipolar disorder I live with. These obsessions have been very hard to manage all my life. Sometimes I needed to find a partner quickly for the evening, for example (when I wasn't in a relationship, of course). I blessed the arrival of the internet, which made it easier for me to go hunting. Yes, I say hunting, like men do.

At the same time, I have always sought pleasure. Orgasm is far from automatic. You have to know yourself well, let go, and feel confident: in other words, it takes years, even decades, to bring those three conditions together.

Menopause arrives around 50. It very slightly changed my libido, which became calmer, finally...! But it's still there and, a bit like before, I have to satisfy it; less often, but I still have to satisfy it.

LOÏC, the person I met, completely set me free. I felt absolute liberation and absolute freedom with him! It is extremely rare to feel perfectly at ease with someone in that area. I literally let myself go. I offered myself to him completely. And I achieved multiple, sublime orgasms that still leave me stunned years later. My breath is still taken away by it. That is also what I tell in the book: the feeling of having Tako Tsubo, a broken-heart syndrome because my heart was pounding so hard!

The Tako Tsubo she mentions remains, in her story, a fear. The manuscript also reports this clarification after her visit to the cardiologist: "I do not have broken-heart syndrome!"

Dorothée also links sexual frenzy to certain periods of her bipolarity. She talks about it as an experience that can sometimes be painful to live through, not as proof of fulfillment. What remains is a distinction she herself finds hard to make, between desiring someone and having to satisfy an urge.

5. You yourself make the link between certain "up" periods of your bipolarity and a very intense sexuality, with an almost constant search for partners around the age of forty. Looking back, are you able today to distinguish what came from your deepest desire and what belonged more to those periods of exaltation?

It is indeed very difficult to tell pure sexual desire apart from sexual frenzy.

It was around the age of 40 that those manic periods were hardest to manage. I was fully aware that it was often simply a matter of looking for one-night partners to satisfy an urgent need.

It was also during that period of my life that I experienced love with several people.

I very much enjoyed those forms of sensuality at the time. You learn a great deal about yourself and your own desires. You also meet very interesting people.

But it did not last long. I very quickly went back to my two-person habits, in which I felt more at ease. Because I find that the most beautiful sensual journey is the one you take as a couple!

The story does not follow an escalation where each experience must lead to the next. After multiple-partner encounters that she says she enjoyed, Dorothée returns to the duo. Exploring also helped her recognize the setting in which she feels best. What remains is to find her pleasure there fully.

6. You say you truly discovered orgasm very late, even though sexuality has always held an important place in your life. How do you explain that it took you so many years to learn your own pleasure? And what finally changed?

I think we are getting to the heart of your questionnaire.

The question of orgasm has always gnawed at me to the point where, at times, it could torment me.

People did not talk about that at the time when I began my sex life. Today people talk about it more easily, especially on social media. But in the 1990s, female orgasm was the most taboo subject in sexuality in general. So I had to find my own way.

First through masturbation. Those caresses you give yourself in solitude help you get to know yourself better. But even in that time of absolute freedom, you do not let yourself go.

Letting go came very late in my life. Of course, my sensual life was very beautiful. I had several relationships that brought me a great deal of happiness in that respect. And the more time goes on, the more you explore other horizons together. But I have to say that, all things considered, orgasm was not there, or so little, or so rarely, or so modestly.

I understood that to reach absolute pleasure, it was also necessary to involve your partner. So I learned, belatedly, that sexual positions were important. I had read the Kama Sutra, but I still hadn't understood that it had to be applied to the letter: this book is an absolutely brilliant modus operandi! Indeed, you have to experiment with different positions. Some will give you more pleasure than others. So I continued on my path.

If I compare it with my orgasms today, I can only note that at 55 I am still discovering myself.

And how beautifully!

Finally, I allow myself - and I could not say exactly why now - to truly, completely, loudly cum even! And it is an extraordinary ecstasy! That is what letting go is: you have no barriers. You are entirely with yourself. At last, you are there with your multiple pleasures! Nothing is truer than a truly intense orgasm! I have even realized that sometimes it can unsettle my male partners, who are at the very least surprised, because for them too, witnessing female wholeness is very rare!

4. Surrendering without giving up choosing

In LOÏC, she writes, "I like obeying you. I am yours." The interview allows her to clarify what those words mean: the pleasure of a chosen role, but also the trust and boundaries with which she sees it.

7. You say you have always wanted to explore sexually, sometimes more than your partners. In LOÏC, that exploration also goes through obedience, letting go, and a dimension you yourself describe as SM. What are you looking for when you explore a new facet of your sexuality: a practice, a sensation, a particular trust with the other person... or a new part of yourself?

Obeying in sexuality is a sensual game.

But it is also a mental posture: it is being completely there for the other person.

Belonging to him with body and soul at that moment brings immense pleasure, as it does for the one who likes to dominate. Pleasing the other fills me with joy. I love that incredible feeling of belonging to the other and the unique pleasure of seeing that I belong to him in total trust!

It means: you can do whatever you want with me. Within the limits of what I accept, of course. Making the other person happy is immense joy!

I have a very funny anecdote. A few years ago, while looking for a partner on a dating site, I came across a very nice man. But as our exchange went on, we realized that we were not looking for the same thing. He told me: I like being dominated by a woman. I replied: oh no, I like being dominated by a man! We laughed and told each other that nothing would actually happen between us!

The anecdote she tells makes room for laughter, without mocking either person’s preferences. She also says quite simply that liking someone is not enough to make desires compatible. For Dorothée, attraction now comes through another kind of rendezvous: conversation.

8. Today, you say you are turning more toward sapiosexual relationships. In LOÏC, books, philosophy, psychology, and conversation all directly contribute to attraction. At what point does an intellectual exchange become desire for you?

Immediately.

I have the advantage - and the disadvantage - of being quickly attracted to a cultured or erudite person. I say disadvantage too because it sets the bar quite high.

That has not always been the case; it is actually very recent and dates precisely from that relationship with Loïc.

I used to be more of an hypogamous person, when women are generally more hypergamous. Having always loved reading, I adored sharing my knowledge with others, including my friends. So it was more often me who taught my partners things.

Meeting Loïc gave me a glimpse of a window I did not know: learning from others. It was almost a revelation to me: I had this unquenchable thirst to learn, in every field. And Loïc was far from lacking in culture or knowledge.

Not only did we get along very well on a sensual level, but it was also the case intellectually. Sometimes when I missed him, it was not always sexually; I also missed our conversations.

5. What is shared, what remains one’s own

In the book, discovering that they love the same Polnareff song gives her a rare feeling of intimate sharing. That little moment takes on weight precisely because the meals, the nights, and the shared plans are rare or absent. The lack is no longer measured only by the number of dates, but by everything that cannot be shared between two meetings.

9. At several points, Loïc seems to represent almost the ideal relationship: an intellectual connection, sensual harmony, affection, but without the constraints of daily life. And yet you ultimately return to this phrase: "love is every day." What did this story teach you about the difference between romantic freedom and absence?

Yes, this relationship seemed to have all the advantages on the surface.

But seeing each other every 5 to 6 weeks, is that a relationship? I'm not sure.

"The lack is too strong," he once told me on the phone while I was crying hot tears. When you see each other very little, the lack is a permanent, daily, real suffering that I experienced alone on my side.

You can hardly talk about it to anyone, since it is a forbidden relationship. So I talked about it extremely little, except with my best friend who understood perfectly because she has been in a relationship with a married man for 30 years. But she's the only person who understands you.

In your family and among those around you, you do not talk about it because you can never introduce your lover to your inner circle.

By "every day" I mean the ability to communicate with the person every day. A little message, a little flower, advice, an opinion, a kiss, a thought, a project, a wish, an invitation... Being able to communicate freely was not possible.

Romantic freedom is when you do not live together but you are together in everyone’s eyes. That is also what I missed: being seen together. We were always seen in secret, in the end, in an endless duo that could tolerate no other social relationship.

Absence is a permanent intimate suffering. And it cannot last. So the relationship ends when you have suffered enough.

Yet everything that goes on in her head does not call for acting it out. When she talks about her fantasies, Dorothée also defends the pleasure of keeping certain desires to herself. An imagination whose forms she chooses, without having to confront it with a real encounter.

10. You say today that you do not really have any taboos. Is there nevertheless a desire or a fantasy that you have never realized and that still intrigues you? And do you think some fantasies derive part of their power precisely from remaining in the imagination?

Indeed, I have few taboos.

We talked above about sexual domination relationships. As I explained to you, it is something I understand very well as long as the partners all consent and can stop the game at any time. Like everyone else, I have my own limits. Scatological games do not interest me, nor do blows inflicted with torture instruments, for example. Some people like that, why not, it's their choice.

Fantasies, I think, should remain fantasies. Mine are in my head when I touch myself. I have certain exhibitionist fantasies, for example, but I do not think I will ever take the plunge and make them real; they would lose all their sparkle. What is exciting is precisely keeping them in the imagination because there you can make them into whatever you want.

6. Barbara, books, and the art of falling out of love

In one scene of LOÏC, Dorothée listens to Barbara in her bath while the phone remains silent. Elsewhere, she reads the work of Helen Fisher, exchanges thoughts around Lucy Vincent, or finds in Amélie Nothomb a question that brings her back to herself. These voices do not remain on the margins of the story. They enter into the way she goes through waiting. At the end of the manuscript, the advice in Ovid’s Remedies for Love accompanies her decision to leave. The reader is still there, alongside the woman in love.

11. In LOÏC, you look for answers both on the side of science — Helen Fisher, Lucy Vincent, the brain, hormones, attachment — and in books, songs and other people's words, with Barbara, Amélie Nothomb, Duras or Ovid. What do these different voices bring you? And does this passage from The Art of Love to Remedies for Love correspond, for you, to the passage from loving to trying to fall out of love?

These different voices help me calm my obsessions. This research I do about love helps me understand my questions.

I have never stopped looking for love all my life, and believe me, it is a full-time job!

It is an obsession, so it is always in my head, in my heart (to the point where I thought I had Tako Tsubo, broken-heart syndrome), in my body and in my soul.

It completely consumes you. The slightest encounter is a possibility of love. My only shield against myself is these texts, these songs, these books, these words, to oppose the principle of reality to me: no, not everything is love. It is exhausting. And I have often been worn down.

Today, thanks to all these answers about love, I am finally in a quest that is no longer obsessive. It is still there, it still exists, but it hurts me much less.

In parallel, I also looked for remedies for love. In her latest book The Teenager with the Parrot, Amélie Nothomb says very rightly (as usual): love is not a due. And she is absolutely right. No one is obligated to love you. If that is not the case, it is real suffering, but the other person can do nothing for you. So I also looked for ways to “unlove,” and sometimes it works: you suffer less.

7. Time, at last, as an ally

At the start of our exchange, writing seemed to have become possible because the worst was, she hoped, behind her. When addressing the woman she was at thirty, Dorothée returns to time. Not to erase the difficult years, but to tell what they had not yet allowed her to discover.

12. If you could speak today to the 30-year-old Dorothée, what would you like to tell her about her body, her desire, her pleasure, and the way she loves?

Everything I have just answered you.

I would tell her: don't be afraid, it won't be as difficult as you fear.

Or rather: it will be difficult, but time will be your ally. And in the end, it will not have been as hard.

You will have setbacks on the path of desire: it fluctuates a lot when you have family life, a professional life, a social life, a cultural life, and a sports life. Busy days often leave little room for desire. But you have to keep calling it up regularly even if the body changes.

Seek your happiness. Pleasure takes many forms. Never give up. Loving is a magnificent journey. Love is always at the end of the road, joy too.

LOÏC bears the first name of a man. At the end of this exchange, there also remain a table where Dorothée finally sat down to write, the books that accompany her, and a body she says she is still discovering. She does not say she has stopped looking for love. She says that this search hurts her less. Beyond the encounter that gave birth to it, her first novel is also this: a story she has finally managed to write.

Discover her writing

LOÏC, by Adélaïde, is Dorothée Fruteau’s first romantic and erotic novel. Written over the course of a relationship, it takes the form of a narrative addressed to the man she loves. The dates, the readings, the waiting and the hesitations remain side by side there. A text to discover her voice beyond this interview.

Written interview and portrait by Damien for WishPride. Quotations from the book are taken from the manuscript provided by the author.

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