From Domination to Submission

It may seem strange to some, we often think, at least from what I hear, that you're either dominant or submissive... why couldn't it be possible to be both at the same time?

Do all BDSM enthusiasts really choose their role? Or are some, like me, there by default? I am a domina, but not because I chose that place, but because my life, my journey, my sexual identity made me lose that notion of letting go.

I am a domina because I am unable to let a man control my body with complete trust; it's not a matter of needing to control everything, it's an obligation to protect myself, to protect myself from a touch I would not be able to bear, a pain I would not be able to bear, sensations I would not be able to bear... and the fear, the greatest fear, of not being heard when I say STOP or no.

I am a domina because I have a strong personality and that matches my public temperament, but am I really so firm when I am in the privacy of my home, with my children? Not at all, I have the same spark, the same energy, my daughter calls me her "sun" because I shine and keep her warm (yes, I am a real hot-water bottle apparently ^^), but I never try to control anyone.

I am a domina because it is only in this sphere of sexual intimacy that I do not know how to let go, yet I truly wish I could, I deeply want to... I already manage enough in everyday life, and I would like to be able to say, "here, I let you lead, do whatever you want, tell me what you want, I feel good, I trust you, please me"

My psychological difficulty with letting go is so complex that I cannot bear the word "submissive" when it comes to me; I prefer the term "devoted," which is a much prettier word in my view.

I chose to enter the world of BDSM, but I did not choose my role; I endure it.

I chose to enter the world of BDSM because I love its values of consent, respect, listening, self-giving, complicity, and sharing.

I chose to enter the world of BDSM because I have already given my soul to the devil, so I would like to give my body to the man who knows how to enjoy my Lust.